Communication the building blocks associated with a Great Relationship
"It's a tale as old as time, true as it can be". So what am I talking about? If you sing it you'll know. It's the first line of the song to Beauty and the Beast. You see life mimics art and in this case the story of these two Disney characters.
I realized one day as I was driving and listening to the Broadway channel on XM radio that what was written for this song was no coincidence to what I was about to write on the subject of relationships and communication. The lyrics have a way of letting us see what it takes to have better relationships and not just fairytale ones at that.
What I'm getting at, is that beauty, of course is the woman, and yes, the beast is the man. In actuality it's not too far off from what we experience in our relationships today. There is no doubt that men on average are more like beasts, ready to do battle, and women more like the rose always trying to smooth things over. Their communication is poor because they don't understand their differences and how to approach one another.
As I right this my words, my communication has flaws. It's not perfect and it never will be. And while I practice to write and to be as clear as I believe an article or blog can be there will be miscommunication. The best I can hope for is to say what I mean in several different ways using metaphor and analogy to get my point across and to create a better understanding. Now wouldn't it be great if we could take the time to express ourselves to others, and in particular to our partners, in a way that would get our point across and allow the other person to listen and hear what we are saying?
While we don't always take the time to make our conversation clearly understood there are a few things we can do to help alleviate many miscommunication. And this goes for any communications, or conversations you are having whether business or personal. Don't you think it would be great to be able to communicate clearly and succinctly and have others really engaged in what you have to say and not be on the defense or waiting for you to shut up so they can speak?
Can you tell me what I'm writing about? Okay, I hope you said communication and relationships, because if you don't understand this now then I have done a lousy job of communicating to you why you are here today.
In Beauty and the Beast we have two people who have never met before and while they are forced into this situation they need to communicate if things are going to go well. In the next line of the lyrics it goes "Barely even friends then somebody bends unexpectedly". What I like about this line in particular is that it points out the fact that while they hardly know each other there must be some flexibility. In order for them to get along someone has to be listening and be flexible enough to change how they are being in order for the other person to take down their defenses and be ready to listen as well. Could that be you?
Recognize that our differences are our strengths. If we all were the same then we wouldn't be able to create anything new. We must allow our differences and be able to understand them and be similar in the sense of opening up our minds and hearts to communicating what we need and how to help one another. So, "Take that stick out of your arse", smile and listen. That's why you have two ears and one mouth.
As I was saying, the obvious and not so obvious physiological differences of our genders, meaning the hormones and testosterone that are part of our feminine and masculine makeup are part of the differences that challenge our communications every day.
So why are we so damn stubborn? Mostly because it has to do with being right. As the saying goes, "Do you want to be right or have peace"? Yep, not one of us wants to be seen as the person who gets it wrong, who doesn't know how to do something or doesn't have the answer or doesn't know what they are talking about. I think the governments of the world need to understand this.
Actually the perfect relationship was Adam and Eve. Do you know why? Because he didn't have to hear about all the other men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about how great his mother's cooking was.
So how did we get here? It's in our genes, no not the ones you're wearing, and it's been taught to us.
"The gospel says, that it's never too late for anyone to change. No one is locked into what he or she has always been and done. You are not a prisoner of your track record. You can change... it's God's hope for all of life. It's the very heart of the gospel, whatever your political or theological stance is. It's never too late." - Bruce Larson
In order to get to a solution we first must truly understand our differences to be able to build a framework of admitting that while we all want to be equal we just don't have the same makeup of genes and upbringing. Equality is wonderful, but do we really know what that means and do we all really share the same definition?
Let's begin when a mother gives birth to twins, one male, and one female. The parents begin by immediately going out to purchase things for each child. The male child gets a baseball bat, a glove, a football, hockey gear, a gun, and a subscription to 'Playboy'. The female child on the other hand gets dolls, stuffed toys, cookware, and a subscription to 'Food and Wine'. We begin by teaching the child what we have been taught and what society expects. It's crazy, isn't it? We teach a male child what we think a male child, 'should be interested in', and vice versa. And by the way I really dislike the word should. If you've read my blog, "Should I, Should You", you'll understand this pet peeve of mine.
Unfortunately no one really knows when the human race decided to make such a distinction between how a man is to act and what he does, and how a woman is to act, and what she does. And given that we are, where we are, we have to make allowances for what we have learned from childhood and try to break through the barriers of our gender to see one another as equal and deserving of everything that life has to offer us.
Here's the question, "Do you think that you're a good communicator"? Okay then, "Do you think that the other person is a bad communicator"? See my point. If not, remember that you are 100% responsible for the communication, not 10%, not 50%, not 99%, 100%!
It's not about the other person it's about you. My most favorite quote of all time is from Gandhi, he said, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world". You really have to get what he said, you really have to get that point all the time and unless you truly understand that point, it will be very difficult for you to have a great conversation with anyone, especially your significant other. The other quote that I would have to say is my next favorite is by Ben Franklin, he said, "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still". Can anyone tell me why that's so significant, and it why it ties in so well with Gandhi's quote? I don't remember the commercial, but I do remember that there was this overweight gentleman in a suit, very large belly with a cigar in his mouth talking to another gentleman across from him and he kept poking him in the chest to make his point, which just made the other person angry. My point is that you cannot make your point and convince someone else of your point by yelling, screaming, telling him or her that they're wrong, and you're right, or poking them in the chest. Each of us has our own perceptions and must arrive at our own conclusions about the world on our own and through what we have already learned and experienced.
If I where here in front of you right now there are number of physical things I could do to get your attention to get my point across. Some may be funny, some crass, some just plain out obnoxious, or I could get your attention by simply allowing you the freedom to listen to me without making you wrong, without trying to scare you, and without trying to brow beat you.
"Just a little change, small to say the least, both a little scared neither one prepared, Beauty and the Beast". So again the facts remain that men and women, communicate so differently. I have had probably hundreds of conversations, perhaps maybe even thousands of conversations with groups about how different we are, and if we understand, truly understand our differences, and acknowledge them.
I'll get back to this point in a minute, but it just reminds me of the fact that our vocabulary, the words we use, improperly many times, contributes to our inability to communicate succinctly and clearly. Our words have contributed to more divorces, separations, and hurt than any other factor. Words can heal or cut deeper than any sword. Let's face it you fell in love and said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with someone so how is it that you're getting divorced. Unfortunate choice of words, and poor communication make us do crazy things. So crazy in fact that we seek out another person who we believe will understand us. And what is typical is that a woman will usually go first to one of her female friends while a man doesn't believe he can talk about these issues with another male so he will seek out the company of another woman and of course you know what that usually leads to, yep, even bigger problems.
So in my conversations with these groups neither gender, in most cases, understands how the other gender communicates. So this is where I have to ask you another question, "Do you really want to understand, to know about how a woman communicates and how a man communicates and why they communicate the way they do?
Here's the ,000 question, "If you could truly understood how the opposite sex communicates and why they communicate the way they do, would you be willing to change how you have a conversation"? If you knew that you would have more and better sex with your partner would that be enough of an incentive? Gosh, I hope so.
You can't have a conversation with a positive outcome if you are looking to get something out of it, or if you feel unappreciated, not heard or are on the defensive. It must be about both of you having, achieving, a better relationship regardless of whether you're having sex or not. Okay, yes I know sex is good, but wouldn't it be better if there weren't so much dissension? Because if you got along better then you would have more sex, of course you'd get along better, and you have more sex and you get along better. You get the point. By the way this works in business as well, not the sex part, but achieving a win-win outcome.
Do you know of or have you read the book, 'Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus'? Well it's true, and while I may not agree with everything in the book, the fact remains that all the differences I talked about earlier helped create the differences in our communication or lack of communication, which causes so many problems in the whole world.
The last line goes like this, "Ever just the same, ever a surprise, ever as before and ever just as sure as the sun will rise". I really love the lyrics of this song because there is so much meaning in them as there is in many songs if you really listen. The surprise is this; it's when we recognize that we are the same. It's that aha moment when you realize you're talking to another human being, someone who wants all the same things that you do. Yes, just like the sun rises every day, every day you can either make it a great conversation understanding the communication or not. Then again if you don't believe this is true then you probably believe that the sun doesn't rise every day.
Finally, recognize that first you must be honest and truthful with yourself and understand who you are. Because if you don't then you're just kidding yourself if you think you can have a better communication or a better conversation with anyone let alone someone close to you.
So here are some dos and don'ts to improve your life and the lives of all those with whom you have a relationship, even the clerk at the store or the waiter at the restaurant. Take the time to listen and understand, have compassion and show some love and respect. I promise it will make your world, our world a much better place.
Do:
Honor one another
Observe, not judge
Speak the truth
Have integrity
Breathe, relax, listen, and hear
Allow the conversation to unfold
Ask questions
Be interested in them
Sincerely want to help
Be compassionate
Believe in yourself
Don't:
Assume
Presume
Judge, just observe
Believe that only your way is the correct way
Think you are smarter than everyone else
Believe you have all the answers
Think you can do it all by yourself
Make up stuff about the other person or anyone else
Be afraid to ask for help
Think everyone wants something from you
Be envious or jealous
Be greedy
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